You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
