Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
