i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
