well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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