walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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