the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
