hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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