just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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