Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
