Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Boobs speak an international language.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
