remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
false alarm, still single
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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