I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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