come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
