I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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