nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
