my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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