What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
