Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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