This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
