Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
