i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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