and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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