Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
