Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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