dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
