alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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