Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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