I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
