btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
