I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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