There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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