Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
