Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Drunk is not a location!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
