I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
