he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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