Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
