Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
