My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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