The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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