He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
