I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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