Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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