And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think people are normalizing furries
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