If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
