i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I licked your asshole in confidence.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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