hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
