my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my sisters under your porch take her home
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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