Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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