Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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