Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Randomize
