hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
