I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
