I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
