i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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