Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
