So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
