I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
