New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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