I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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